5:00 – Welcome to Triage
So after spending all night having contractions you would think that you would be treated with a little bit of decensy. Nope. It is always interesting to me the tone of the nurses that don’t think you will be staying very long.
They like to use phrases like:
“Aww, I know this is one of the most uncomfortable times in pregnancy.”
“Wow, 36 weeks and 5 days. Your almost there.”
“Well we are going to hook you up to this moniter for a little while and just take a look at what is going on.”
“Oh, your obtestrician said you were 3-4 centimeters…yeah I sometimes tend to be a little generous too.”
“The last couple of weeks are horrible, especially when you are waiting to go into labor and I am sure that the stomach bug you have isn’t making that any easier.”
Everything is said with a smile and a pat on the head but they are all thinking the same thing, “Thanks for stopping by, your door prize consists of two elastic belts. Don’t lose them or we will charge you for new ones. Don’t let the door hit you…”.
So we recieved the diagnosis, three and fifty. The same as before the miserable night began. Lincon Log! (Anyone that has seen Toy Story 3 will get this reference.)
“Well, we are going to moniter you a little while and see how things are going. You are only 36 weeks and 5 days and he is a boy so we don’t want him to come out “wimpy”.
“Only 36 weeks and 5 days” Ok I know this is coming from the perspective of the husband, but how do you make the statment, “only 36 weeks and 5 days” with such condesencion? I can understand “oh, your only 6 weeks” or “12 weeks” or even “18 weeks”. But really “only 36 and 5 days”? I wanted to break out a chart right there. You do understand the toll that your body goes through when you get pregnant right? Especially when this is your 3rd within 3 years!
Nurse Lady, you do understand that my wife’s uterus has been a holding tank that has had a person living in it 112 weeks out of the last 148. She has had contractions that made her vomit. She hasn’t slept in at least 7 weeks. She has had someone jumping on her bladder. She has had colon stoppage that would make rush hour traffic on I-10 look like a free flowing waterfall. She has had numerous bouts with human stupidity, others not hers. She has had indegestion that flowed from the depths of Hades. “Only 36 weeks and 5 days”? What is that!? When she walked in you should have given her a tiarra and a robe and maybe even a sash. “Congradulations! You are a wonderful pregnant woman who deserves to be treated like a queen because if for no other reason you are paying us out of the wazoo!”
So, began the “monitoring.” Aka the waiting period before they kick you out.
Come 7 O’Clock Shift Change
Let me grab your tonsils. WIFE was still 3 and 50.
It was about that time that between the nausea and the pain of the contractions that relief was needed.
Here comes the good stuff.
Stadol and Finegrine. The finegrine came on board at 8:00:00 am. The stadol came on at 8:01:30. WIFE felt nausea at 8:01:45. I helped her sit up. This is were she disappears for the next 2 hours. At 8:02:00 she says, “I think I need to lay dow…n….n.” ::Snore::
Our nurses comment, “Wow, didn’t give her much.” To which I replied, “She’s a light weight. She only takes half a dose of anything.”
8:30:00-Enter Dr. Jago. A little skit.
Dr. Jago: Hey WIFE, How are you doing?
WIFE: Errrr, ::mumble mumble::
Me: She is out of it and doesn’t know you exist.
Dr. Jago: (Looking at Chris) WIFE, I am going to see if your waters has broke or is leaking. It is going to be a little uncomfortable.
WIFE: Errr, ::mumble mumble::
Me: She is gorked out and doesn’t know what is going on.
Ladies you’ll know what I am talking about. Enter the duck. “Open your vagina and say aaaooouuuch.”
Dr. Jago: Sorry WIFE, I know that this is uncomfortable and I am almost done.
WIFE: Errrr, ::mumble mumble::
Me: Yeah, she doesn’t feel anything that your doing.
Dr. Jago: Alright WIFE, I am going to check you. (Looking at nurse) what was she earlier?
Nurse: 3 and 50
Dr. Jago: (Surprised) Whoa, she’s not anymore, she’s 5 and 50. Well dear your not going any where.
WIFE: PRAISE THE LORRRRDDD…….::SNORE::