If you’ve had a baby before, chances are you are familiar with these thoughts.
They start pretty early… Paranoia about having an alien baby instead of a human. Looking like a sumo wrestler at the end of the pregnancy. Throwing up uncontrollably in a public place during the morning sickness phase (ok, I admit that I’ve done that. It wasn’t terribly horrible… for me. Sorry to the lady at Dress Barn in Jacksonville who had to clean it up). And then, as you approach the end of the pregnancy, if you are like me, you find yourself wondering about your water breaking.
Will it? Won’t it?
A slow trickle? Or a big gush?
Do I have a waterproof cover for my mattress?
Oh my gosh. A water stained butt.
So, I thought I’d document my madness in the form of a letter to my stubborn son.
Dear DS #4,
There’s a topic we need to cover. Fortunately for me, you are taking your own sweet time coming out of your womb so we have plenty of time to talk this matter through. When you do decide that it is time to exit your comfy domicle, there are two methods to let Mama know you are ready.
1. Contractions. Nice and steady. Please follow the 5-1-1 rule and make them strong enough that Mama has to stop talking. I know you think this is an impossible feat but, I assure, I’m up for the challenge… and judging by your stubbornness, so are you. So. Contractions. Got it?
2. Breaking of the water. You can take notes from your sister on the proper techniques and your role in this adventure. I recommend taking one of those freakishly huge legs (that I just saw on the sonogram yesterday) and kicking a gaping hole in your personal swimming pool. This will cause a rather large gush of water. I’m cool with that. You may also simply take those precious hands AWAY from your face and pinch your little bag when I stand up. If you ask your sister, this is what SHE did. Either way, this is the other method of exiting your womb. Understand?
Now that we’ve talked the methods of exiting your womb, let’s discuss the etiquette related to Method #2. I could care less when/where you start Method #1 but since Method #2 could be a tad messy, I have some preferences.
For your reference:
1. Over any vinyl/tile/concrete (or otherwise waterproof) surface.
2. In the shower.
3. On the toilet.
4. Anytime Daddy is home.
5. While Mama is cooking dinner. Or lunch.
6. Over Mama’s side of the bed since it has a waterproof liner.
7. During Mama’s doctor appointment this Friday.
8. While walking through Walmart. Seriously, I don’t know if anyone would notice.
9. While Mama is changing one of your brother’s poopy diapers. If you could get me out of that ordeal, I’d be grateful.
10. While Mama is doing laundry. I HATE this chore and you’ll earn brownie points.
1. Just before Mama eats any of her favorite meals. You know what these are but… let’s be specific. If it is Mexican, you better wait. Or else.
2. Over any carpeted surface.
3. In the Suburban. Yes, there is a rather large beach towel there but… we want Daddy NOT to drive off the side of the mountain.
4. Anytime that Daddy is NOT home.
5. When Daddy places a plate of Mama’s favorite cookies on the stool in front of her spot on the couch and Mama must step OVER the cookies on the stool to sit on the couch. Not cool. I will NOT forgive that move should you attempt it.
6. While Mama is eating breakfast. I’m serious about my breakfast… Don’t do it, kid.
7. While Daddy is preaching. Again, we like Daddy calm, ok?
8. While I’m walking in front of people at church. (ok, if I had to bet, I would put money on you pulling this mess with the harassment you’ve given me during this pregnancy.) Again, not cool.
9. While I’m walking over our cowhide rug in the living room. I’m sure it’ll come clean but why do we want to find out??
10. When Mama is wearing her khaki shorts. I’m not into wet butt stain.
Ok, these are all just some etiquette guidelines for you to follow. While I have joked with people that you are quickly slipping down “Mama’s list of fave kids,” you still have time to redeem yourself. Follow the guidelines, kid.
And, hey, since I’m an excellent Mama, I’ll even give you a tip that will help you move up Mama’s list.
Do Method #1 and Method #2 while following the guidelines. That’ll do it. Ok, got it?? Good… Now… BREAK!