When the night doesn’t end. 

I can’t describe the heartbreak I feel tonight. I feel like I’m drowning in grief. When I try to sleep, I can’t. I think of things that hurt. What would she have looked like? Would she have had my daughter’s big doe shaped eyes? Or her brother’s slanted eyes? Would she have an angel’s kiss at the base of her neck like most of her siblings?? Would she have been an introvert like her oldest brother? Or an extrovert like “The Twins?” Would her tiny fingers wrap around my finger like the others did when they nursed? The torture is neverending. I can’t do anything except rock myself while praying and begging God. “Please. I KNOW you can do ALL things. Please save my baby.” Over and over I pray these same words. 

My head knows the truth. I have seen tons of sonograms. I know that my baby’s heart was not beating. How, as a mom, do I not beg God to intervene???? I KNOW theology. I KNOW God is able to perform miracles. I KNOW He is sovereign also. I KNOW He sees the whole picture while I only see a fraction. I KNOW He works all things together for good. I will trust Him. I do trust Him. For tonight, I grieve. And I beg. Please. Please, save my baby. 

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah” Psalm 61:1-4

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