Darkness of loss. Uncertainty of a sudden, traumatic medical situation. Unexpected but impending financial ruin.
All of those situations are the stuff of nightmares. When suddenly thrust into one of our nightmares, how do we survive? How do we move past survival and find the “light at the end of the tunnel?” How do we thrive after losing our child? Foreclosing on our home? Sitting beside a parent as cancer destroys their body?
We’ve had a pretty rough go of things since July of 2015. I often find myself begging God “why???” Begging for information about His motives and His plans. As if knowing the bigger picture would make it easier to see your child lying in your womb without a heartbeat.
In our Wednesday night class at church, we are currently reviewing the attributes of God. (We are using this book and I highly recommend it.) Tonight, some of the attributes we discussed were:
1. God is omniscient. He is all knowing. Hebrews 4:13 says that “no creature is hidden from his sight but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.
2. God is all wise. He has the best goals chosen by the best ways. James 1:5 says that if we lack wisdom, we should ask God and that He gives generously and without reproach. And, He’ll give it!
What does this have to do with the darkness of loss?
In the darkest moments of hearing “See? There should be cardiac activity here.”
When my heart was breaking holding her teeny, tiny body.
On horrible painful days when I only want to hold her in her tiny casket.
God knows. God knows every tiny detail of His huge and perfect plan. He knows the pain. He knows my desires. He knows exactly what our family had to endure as a directional arrow to His plan for us. He knows that I would cry out to him and beg for my child’s life. He knows that the grief of losing my children would drive me closer to Him and want to know Him more.
Her first birthday should’ve been this month. Our Evelyn Joy. I trust He is all knowing. I trust He is good. I trust He is wise. I trust that He is molding me to do His will and follow His plan.
Water: 130 oz
Movement: over 14,600 steps and tons of flights of stairs. I am still cleaning out my closet and did my share of stairs today.